A Year in Realization

No more anxious pangs of “what to wear tomorrow?” before going to bed. No more annoying auto queues. No more jostling to survive the 22-minute train ride. No more being mad at myself because I had no time to finish a book in a month. The life I remember has lulled into an indefinite slumber. 

I grappled with fear of the unknown because the territory of feeling anxious changed. The places for silent cries changed. The things, I once took for granted, changed.

The yellow clock in my room is still responsibly ticking away every minute, the desk calendar is still dutifully turning its page as each month goes by. The lizards have come out of hibernation, and are now crawling the wall for their next prey. 

I do not see the money plant that Maa left by my window last year. My forgetfulness resulted in its yellow leaves - a sight must have pained her. Weird thing, a money plant, is. They do not need direct sunlight yet they can avidly climb up a wall under the sun. 

Maa gave me an aralia in a blue pot in December. Its low-maintenance prospect caught my attention; of course, after its partial green-partial white leaves. Such a paradox - it has healthy green foliage, but do not let the white leaves fool you. I wonder who she is trying to deceive.   

I tried to deceive myself for yonks, if not anybody, just because I wanted to let my life go. I faced my own reality by putting on the shoes of a skilled truant. I masked my existence by keeping myself in an illusion. 

The very illusion catered to satiate my imposter syndrome, self-loathing and self-induced trauma. The anxiety of failing to find the right turn at the crossroads strangled my neck when I did not expect it to - in the shower, during work, in the middle of conversation with Maa. The shame, fear, guilt and stress I feel and everything at the same time buried me down on cold, gloomy summer days.

I used to put the blame of not having to read at least 50 pages on my schedule. I used to criticise the external factors because I would refuse to realise the internal factors. I used to constantly argue with myself that the incidents happened in my absence.

In truth, I let it all happen.